Crossplanet

Deception, desesperateness and hopelessness. Why fall for someone who doesn't care? Want to double-lock that door. Whom wants me will have to come and get me. Tired of it all. Want to cry and scream. Blow out that frail candle that did light up again, lock me in, never see anyone again.

And put back on that mask and hide myself behind, and draw the usual smile.

Fear of what will come in front of my eyes, fear to see him, feel a twinge of my heart. Unfair? Why not me?

And yet I will have to live on, one more day, and another one, this cycle of days and nights that never never ends, always the same, nothing new on the horizon, the hope of a change that becomes smaller and smaller, the end of this loneliness that never comes. Crossing through this long emotional desert, death valley or desert of Gobi, empty immensity ahead of me. And yet I have to go through, and I don't see the end of it.

Is there an end of it? Somebody to talk to me? to see me? to see what sleeps in me for so long now? somebody to hug me?

Sadness. Resentment. Anger?

Last saturday I went back to childhood to play seriously with "collages", cutting out bits of pictures to put them together and create a new image. That was really fun! and it gave me the will to go on with that.

Last week was a long holiday week-end, I managed a cheap train ticket and headed south, to Argelès, by the Mediterranean sea near the spanish border, where my parents have a holiday house. Four days of riding bycicle, walking, swimming and snoozing on the beach (even though it wasn't that hot).

Back in Paris on Monday morning, back to the subway, back to the grey sky... I realized that I miss the sea so much, it's the first time that I live in a city so far away from the ocean. I realized I miss the sun, I miss a real spring and a real summer, I miss the south...

I won't grow old in Paris...

Sometimes it's hard to define the mood of the day. This morning I was tired, and angry, and depressed. Then I went to the yoga class, and felt better. Then after lunch I was nervous, because I was waiting for a delivery and had an appointment. Then I went to a massage workshop and came out completely happy and relaxed. Is there anything to understand?

It doesn't really look like, but thanks God, this is spring.

I don't have words anymore, I haven't written for weeks, I'd like tears to come but they don't.

Today is the D-day for my new activity. This morning I went to the social security and taxes office to register as an independant worker and thus created my own working structure (they call it "micro-company")!

I have been thinking about it for months to develop my new activity of sophrology. The course I'm taking for 2 years now will end in March, at least for the basics, next year I will take a 3rd year to specialize in certain area. It means that in a few months I will be entitled to work as a sophrologist with individuals and groups. I confess I'm kind of  "stage-frightened" and I don't feel ready but will I ever be?

Time to let go and fly.

- what does it mean "Mkerry Xjristmaz to Akk!"

- It means I'm writing with mittens and I f... you!